My reasons for leaving the Peace Corps
January 16th, 2006 by Sarin
So, one week since home and yet no good explanation for quitting the Peace Corps. I apologize for neglecting to write this earlier or giving you a bullshit excuse at any point you have asked me in the past week. Truth is, I am really really tired from thinking it over in the past weeks and I argue that the only ones who can understand my situation the best are fellow Peace Corps Volunteers in country who have experienced and are still currently experiencing the same situation I went through. In case you really want to know more, I have pasted my goodbye e-mail to my PC friends that explains best my reasons for leaving from a Peace Corps perspective.
My fellow PCVs,
I am writing this letter to inform you that I am terminating my service early and heading back home to the states. I have called most of you or either I didn’t have your number, or you weren’t home when I was trying. Anybody else who wants to talk, feel free to call me at the transit house while I’m still there till Friday the 6th and if you are in the states, feel free to call my home at 401-467-XXXX.
It all comes down to this, at some point I lost my motivation and didn’t feel content with myself being here. Despite what I may have led you to believe, I don’t hate Calheta as much as I said I did. Even with all the free time I claimed I had, I still worked a lot and kept myself out of the house to get to know my community. Eventually I was burning myself out beyond any cure that the Fika Fixe guide could give me. I wasn’t doing anything wrong, yet I wasn’t getting what I wanted out of it. I thought about the decision for weeks, and considering the support I got from my community, realized that I it was my time to go. Basically, I wasn’t getting the experience I expected, I didn’t think my work would be meaningful, the Peace Corps program is very flawed, and I felt I joined the Peace Corps at a wrong time. I’m leaving Calheta now on a happy note and a little disappointed that my PC service was compromised.
First, I feel Cape Verde was a detriment to my PC experience. My life here is very Westernized and I no longer felt it was worth it to be this far away from home and live a very similar life. I know you might say, that all that physical suffering that you would get in other PC Africa countries gets old, but it’s the fact that you know you’re helping a community that compels you to stay. Here, I found that Cape Verde was too developed to be enjoyable and wished they would all stop watching TV and getting drunk in the morning. In many ways, I feel jeopardized that I didn’t get the total out of body experience I expected.
Second, I found that Calheta and me didn’t match up correctly. It was especially difficult with everyone’s perception that I was Chinese, considering Calheta only had one loja which just opened in July. Eventually I got tired of kids of picking fights with me in the street and locals giving me dirty looks. Besides the being Chinese factor, I found the people of Calheta to be rude and very “buzofa”, and were not as nice as Sao Domingos or as any continental African I have met so far. Considering it is out in the “fora”, the locals probably weren’t used to seeing foreigners and are slow to change and new ideas. In short, I just didn’t feel accepted and I got a bad vibe from anybody who was outside my circle of friends.
Third, the more I got into it, the more I realized my job as a CD volunteer was wasting my time. Anything I was doing, could be doing, will be doing, or has already been done by the past volunteer could have been done by a Cape Verdean, and maybe more effectively considering the language barrier. Why can’t Peace Corps train locals to become CD volunteers? I no longer saw the sense in shipping in an American “to help out the CEJ”, especially considering the costs of keeping us happy. Eventually I thought the sense of educating the perception of Americans and the spread of goodwill had already been achieved and that I was being treated more as “free work” instead of “help”. On top of that, I feel Peace Corps has inadequately trained us and I felt more confused at site that I was at PST. In the end, I no longer wanted to do nothing and just “ride it out” like other volunteers might do. My biggest motivation to come into the Peace Corps was to do some work, but I no longer saw it meaningful considering there are tons of places that need help before Calheta. My community didn’t seem to have any problems that needed fixing, and any problems I saw were cultural (multiple girlfriends, level of cleanliness) that I didn’t want to intrude on.
Fourth, I found the administration to be uncaring and more concerned with numbers and finances rather than have us become effective volunteers. I went through a long application process, background check and legal clearance to get into the Peace Corps, and guess what, they place me in a house with a complete stranger from Portugal because “the rent is free”. In addition, any work I needed to get done on the house for security was all my responsibility and Peace Corps would just pay for it. Well, things never got fixed until my Cape Verdean counterpart helped me before those American monkeys who were running the office. These problems didn’t really bother me, but I thought that considering PC/CV’s reputation, that they would get their act together. On a broader scale, I felt Peace Corps is more concerned in just boosting their image, send more and more volunteers, numbers and numbers, rather than spend the money on us and programs in order to be actually effective and not be political puppets.
And most importantly, I felt that right now was the wrong time for me to be in the Peace Corps. I need time to know more about myself, my family and my own home country before I go off changing the world. I didn’t feel content with my life in the states, and I should have gotten that fixed before I came here. I mentioned to most of you that I am looking forward to going back to Cambodia and it is something I need to do and should have done before I spent time in Cape Verde. I realized that 2 years would be a long time, life is short and I am leaving before I put myself into any more misery. There is no doubt I would have stayed, had PC service been shorter. But PC is now on the backburner and I am really looking forward to moving on.
I could go on and on but before I waste anymore of your internet time, I wish to thank all the friends and buddies I have made here in Cape Verde. You guys are by far the nicest and most fun group of people I have ever met, and I imagine if all of us were placed in the same site that we would all stay the 2 years. I really wish you guys got a chance to see the real side of me instead of seeing me unhappy. However, don’t forget about me and if you ever find yourself in the tiny state of Rhode Island, you know who to call. I’ll be sure to shoot you guys an e-mail when I’m on the road, no matter where I am. I might regret the decision to ET, I might not. But I will not regret coming out here, I probably would not have the renewed drive in life that I have right now. I especially won’t regret my 6 months in Cape Verde and the amazing people I have met along the way.
Fika Fixe Amigos!
-Sarin
so…just to reiterate.
I did not get kicked out.
I would have loved to have given you a story of being deported and forced to come back home. While there were so many rules I could have broken (riding without a helmet, crossing country borders, doing drugs, having sex in the embassy pool), the easiest and fastest way to get out of the Peace Corps is to just QUIT. In my case, I wanted to leave on a good note and left as fast as they allowed me.
I did not leave because I was homesick.
It seemed like the farther I got into the Peace Corps, the less homesick I got. I even got to the point where I was convinced that I shouldn’t go home and should continue traveling, working as long as the idea seemed good. This idea was even more true once I actually got home and *nothing* seemed to please me. Even a hot shower wasn’t that exciting. Even though I am currently hooked on the internet, I could have been hooked anywhere. As far as reverse culture shock… my experience in Cape Verde lacked any culture shock for me to experience reverse culture shock at home.
I did not leave simply because I was having a hard time at site.
I’m sure I could have made my situation work for me if I tried hard enough. Once I realized I wanted to leave, I dropped the ball. Even though it was my decision, I am disappointed that I left site with all the problems that I didn’t have time to fix.
I did not leave just because I am going to Cambodia.
I did not know I had a definite plan for a trip to Cambodia (more on that later). I was leaving on the assumption that I was on my own and that I would have to make my trip myself. So remember, I was under the impression that I would have to work for a bit to support myself in order to go. I wasn’t leaving to go straight there, although I would have preferred it that way.
Another thing I realized, but didn’t include in my statements of leaving, is how much I just hated working for the US Government. I just no longer wanted to be a statistic or a puppet under the arm of US Foreign Policy. I couldn’t bear the fact that I was giving up so much to boost the image of the US.
Anyway, I hope this clears up any questions anybody might have. And also an apology for not telling anybody about coming home. The truth is, I hate talking about this stuff and just want to move on. Cape Verde was cool, I’m sorry it didn’t work out, and I’m dissappointed that Peace Corps didn’t quite work with me. So please bear with me while I move on. I am quite sure the reasons for leaving will become more clear once I get quite settled in.
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Well, you did more than most of us do, so that is cool of ya.
just wante to say . … I am also in PC serving in the same facet much like you.. I am currently weighing the options of et’ing.. Just want to say I understand how flawed PC is…..
Brian,
Where are you serving?
I posted thanking you for your insights elsewhere and as I read on, I feel compelled to thank you again.
Your experience, thought you did you finish your service, was very significant. It affected and changed you and this, afterall, is why we do something like this.
I appreciate so much being able to see the fullness of your thought process and will continue reading your blog.
I hope you have been able to come to terms with your decision and see it does not (I think) diminish your service but make it more meaningful.