When The Lights Go Out
August 27th, 2005 by Sarin
When the power goes out in Cape Verde, the families are ready.
First, if it’s still daylight outside, the kids unplug all the electronics from the wall so they won’t fry, and then go play outside. The local businesses pull out their generators and rewire their establishment. The mothers continue with the housework and then take a much earned nap. If I’m in the house, I then proceed to cry a little bit before I force myself to read a book. Since I’ve read them all already, I head for my crank-able radio instead and sit on the steps. Waiting, and waiting.
Next, when the sun comes down, the kids return and candles are burned. Not surprisingly, in this culture nobody is afraid of the dark or the burning fire of a candle (which in the states, candles are always a fire hazard). I cry a little more and get mad at myself for not bringing any useful non-electric activities. Normally, this would be the time that the families would be glued to the TV, so I can imagine what dread they are going through. Instead they go about their business as if it totally does not bother them.
Back in the old USA, if the power went out, it was never that big a deal. Power in the states usually returns in an hour or so, as so I’m used to. Here, when the power is gone, it’s ‘oh crap what am I going to do for the next friggin day’.
So during Pre-Service Training here in Sao Dao, the power was out for 4 days. 4 friggen days. When the power returned, at that point I forgot what it felt like to take a shower with a light. But as soon as I was getting comfortable that night, the power got snatched again. And then it rained. Heavily.
It was thunder, lightning, cloudy, raining, nighttime, and worst of all, no power once again. Even worse, I haven’t even charged my batteries enough to use my trusty iPod or laptop. Of course, I reached for the hand-crankable radio again. And here I was, in an absolute dead end, with the visibility of a candle and feeling like I was in house arrest. The roof was leaking and water was pouring into buckets and thankfully not in any of the bedrooms. The darkness and the sound of heavy rain and water dripping into buckets was utterly depressing. And then I popped that ever so great question to myself.
What the fuck am I doing here?
Even though I well aware that I was staying with a homestay family for my first 2 months of the Peace Corps, I was still screaming to myself : This ain’t my house, this ain’t the town I grew up in, and I’m so damn pissed about this loss of power! Was I really deserving this? If this sounds like the Peace Corps blues, it surely was.
The Peace Corps blues, a term I totally made up, refers to those moments when you’ve got nothing to do but think. Think of who and what you miss at home. Think of what you could be doing if you hadn’t joined the Peace Corps. And of course, thinking about how long your next 2 years will be. Especially here in PST, the most recurring and depressing thoughts I have had is the fact that I still have 2 years ahead of me, the novelty of living in another culture and country has already worn off, and the thought of coming home is flat out awesome.
Why, why, why, did I join the Peace Corps at a really, really fun time in my life? Just think, recent college graduate with good job opportunities and resources. Young, energetic, ambitious, motivated but also loves life. Sure, I can see the perks of joining right out of college but I’m starting to regret doing so at such a young age. It’s not until now that I realize how big and bold this step really is. But more importantly, how my life as it would have been in the states, was really NOT BAD AT ALL. I didn’t know what I had, till it was gone.
I start to question what impact I really can do. On the outside, I’m a 22 year old beer-drinking, inexperienced, never had a real job, just out of college-guy. I have no experience in development so what can a guy like me really achieve out here? Am I really just chasing a false dream? And then the pessimism continues. Will my work here really matter? Will locals think I’m just another spoiled rich American looking for cheap thrills and expecting to actually achieve something? And even worse, will they think I am here to fulfill US’ foreign policy interests while expecting hospitality?
I even go so far as to think that I don’t even feel I fit the mold of a “typical” Peace Corps Volunteer. The youngest guy in my training group, I have very little stories of “The Real World”. In turn, it seems like I have very little to share besides stories of insider New England jokes, college traditions, and stories of my drunken experiences. To others, it might seem like I am the typical out of college immature frat boy.
Do I come across as too “average”? I surely did not feel that way back at home. I’m I having a hard time dealing with it? Sometimes I feel more lifeless than others, more so when I feel less enthusiastic about my work. And that sucks. When you know you aren’t doing anything bad but hate yourself for being too average. While American friends are moving on, staying comfortable and enjoying last freedoms of being a “typical” young adult, here I’m feeling like I shouldn’t have given that up. I wanted to move on, but I may have taken a step too far away of being average. Maybe it would have been better to try small changes, rather than jump off a big bridge.
When the lights go back on, I breathe a sigh of fresh relief and begin to envy what joy and relief my iPod and laptop brings me. My optimism returns and my thoughts escape my head for a better day. To get past those moments of Peace Corps blues, I have to tell myself to remember something. It may not answer my previous question, but it helps the days go by.
At times of hardship, that minute when you’re thinking about your past life in the states and how good it was, will be the most painful minute of your day. You have to move on, and focus on the task at hand. Two years is a long time, but longer only if you make it. Don’t rush it by slowing yourself down. There will be joys, different joys that you won’t expect, and you have to work at it. One day, even it is 2 years from now, it will all make sense.
And to answer my previous question, I don’t think I’m the only one saying that I am still looking for that answer myself.
I really miss the states.
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Remember back in 2003 when everyone though I was insane for going out to San Francisco? And then thought I was even more nuts for coming home not too long after?
If you were ever wondering how I was really feeling while I was there, you pretty much summed it up right there. Different situation, same feeling. The homesickness got me too.
My advice? Just think of all the reasons why you wanted to go there in the first place. If it makes you feel any better…remember this. This is being frank with you. Dont miss what your friends are doing. Forget about enjoying that “last bit of youth”. You graduated college, and life wont ever be the same as when you had nothing to worry about but homework and drinking, relatively speaking. Remember, it took me a few years to go to college, so I know what the life your missing is like. Guess what…its not as fun as you think. Thats why I’m in college now.
Think about next year at this time. Everyone else our age will, most likely, be a year into their new “real” jobs. They will be wishing they were doing what your doing. The weekends at the bars might be fun, yes, but is that worth it? If you even go to those places at all. This isnt criticizing your UNH friends at all (and the people here in RI have gotten more boring in the time since you left if thats possible…..no joke), cause I have no idea how close you guys are or what they are doing, but I’m talking in general terms. Not a lot of people keep the same partying lives when they are in the offices and shit after college. People miss college for a reason. In actuality, YOURE the one whos keeping the young life going.
You are going to miss here. There will be more days like the one you wrote about. But if you were here, you would wonder what could have been. Especially when your sitting in a cubicle. Just my 2 cents, cause it sounds like you could use it.
Thanks Tony.
It does take a swift kick in the ass to get back on shape. Life here is completely different from in the states. I guess my frustrations have to do with the fact that I just miss the comforts of the US, and just wondering what could have been. I really cannot tell where I would have been or what I could have been doing. It’s hard to tell if I could have been happy or unhappy, but I guess the feeling of moving on when you’re unhappy in the states is a hell of a lot easier. Even if gets repetitive, there’s always new things in the US to try out to do. I’m sure there’s new things here I haven’t tried, they’re very hard to find and its frustration of finding it that’s making me vent. I dunno, I guess I did have alot of fun and didn’t realize it.
I am getting along better. While I do miss the states, I try not to think of what I could be doing like going to Dunking Donuts every day. I’m starting to plan vacations for the next years and that should help with the urge to just travel.
Although I might go home once just to get it out of my system.