The light is getting brighter
January 24th, 2005 by Sarin
Please read carefully - Sarin
For months, I painted myself a slacker.
When asked what I had planned for after graduation, I lightly suggested that I would move to NYC with absolutely no money and use my college degree to go work in McDonald’s. Of course, nobody took me seriously. I didn’t expect them to. It was merely a coverup to hide the fact that me and probably other seniors rarely have a solid plan for after graduation, and that most of us were doing little or nothing to change that.
Well my friends, I should probably tell you that any signs of being lazy and ’slacker’ish was part of a really small lie. In fact, I have been thinking about the future and I have been doing something to get me moving.
Sometime in high school, I wanted to join the US Peace Corps for an individual soul searching selfless gift to humanity. Of course however, the fast paced nature and lifestyle of college enticed me. I then found out that Peace Corps was very selective and that most applicants finish some college first. And then I said to myself that the day I would get sick of college, was the day I would take a break and give the Peace Corps a try.
That day of getting sick of college actually extended far longer than it should. I tried to dumb it down by just calling it ‘Senior Rage’. Me and my dumb metaphors.
It was the beginning of our senior year. I was happy to see everyone back, but not happy that it was ‘too routine’. Move in, move out, go to class, do work, blah blah. I was really not excited to be doing this for a 4th year, as drinking and partying were the only good reasons to stay.
Once I had enough, I got back and researched on the Peace Corps. I knew that I was sick of college, and being home after college for that matter did not sound very exciting. I knew I wanted to apply, see if I would get in, and maybe make some decisions from there.
It turned out the process to apply was very drawn out. It can take up to a year from submitting the application to actually departing. You think that for volunteers, they would make it easy. And as I further got along into the Peace Corps world, the word easy doesn’t exist. Following the physical paper application, there were recommendations, a couple of essays, an interview, medical and legal clearance, and a final board review just to be invited to serve. Suddenly all those college applications back in high school seemed easy. Also, if I were to serve, it would be 27 months before I would get a free ticket back to the states.
I started back in October. I finished as much as I could do, and asked for recommendations from my previous and current supervisors. At this point, I only told the necessary people I needed to get the job done. I didn’t want to make it a big deal at this point. For preferences, I wanted to head to Asia or a Spanish speaking country. My work history put me right on the spot for an Information Technology program, so that fit right in. Even my recruiter said I was a very good candidate.
My last recommendation came in at the middle of November. At that time, work was piling up that was due at the end of semester. Because of this, I was able to work at a very productive pace. I used that motivation to finish my application and write my essays. Honestly, I didn’t spend all that time in McConnell to do business homework. Sorry if I fooled you.
The last steps I did before I left for Christmas break involved a formal interview during finals week, a medical questionnaire, a fingerprint chart at the police station, and some more legal forms. It was time to take a small break before I heard back from the regional office of any type of notification.
I originally planned not to tell anybody until plans were very clear. There’s a step in the application process, the nomination phase, where they recommend you for a program and give you a rough idea of when you would leave and what region you would be serving. Not everybody who gets nominated gets to be invited to serve, so it seemed like no big deal to me. Until I got nominated myself.
One night over break, I got a call from the Boston regional office. The lady I was speaking to over the phone was looking over my application and wanted more from me. She asked if I could leave earlier than August. I said I would if it would help my chances of getting in. She then asked if I had experiences working with youth. I stated that I haven’t at this point, as most of my work has been with adults. She said she would get back to me.
Twenty minutes later, she called me back and wanted to congratulate me on nomination. I had taken the last nomination spot in a program leaving in early July for sub-saharan Africa. It was in Information Technology working with government officials. She also told me that I didn’t have to learn French as this was an English speaking country (a small burden that is now levied).
I was like, “Wow, thanks.. umm yeah sounds good”. It hit me like I ran into a wall. I was slightly speechless for that second, but I thanked her for the info and went on with my day.
I awoke the next morning feeling things I didn’t think I would feel after hearing I got nominated. I felt scared, lonely, guilty, disappointed and depressed, all at the same time. I didn’t sleep much the next 4 days as I kept going over and over everything in my head. I was still in shock that this whole process was really happening, that the voice from Boston regional was indeed real, and that I do have a good chance of leaving to serve.
When I look back on that week, I was scared of the truth. I was scared that this might be my new job. I was scared that graduation will come and college will end. I suddenly didn’t want to leave college anymore. I was scared of Africa, a continent that I know very little of. I was scared of the program description, it sounded like responsible work. Do I really think I could make a difference? I was scared of July. Why so early? I felt guilty that I didn’t share this with more people. I felt guilty that a metaphor for jumping off a bridge was now reality. Did I do this because I was angry at society? Why did I agree to this at all? I was lonely at the thought of leaving everybody. Would my parents or friends convince me to stay? What if nobody cared? What if this wasn’t the solution to being lonely? Why wasn’t Asia more open, or even Latin America? What if I hate it there? And why did I have to take all of this way in at the same time?
I lived with these thoughts for the rest of the week. I didn’t have many people to talk to, and that I had to do this on my own. My only cure was to read. And so I pounded on the internet for hours. Looking for answers, looking for motivation. I also sat at the library and thumbed through their books. I didn’t stop till my head was clear. The reading helped. After that whole ‘being scared’ phase, I was able to sleep better for once.
I’m back at school now and the motivation is back. While the program description sounds important, and Africa faces a severe shortage of technical literacy, I am no longer afraid. From what I read, rarely do Peace Corps volunteers make that big a difference in a nation’s life. So while you can’t throw every starfish back into the sea, if you manage to throw a few, it mattered to them. I was no longer dissappointed that I didn’t get nominated for Asia or Latin America. Africa is the country I orginally envisioned before I heard that they send volunteers to Asia or Latin America. It would sound selfish and ignorant to turn it down at this point.
I also came to realize that these feelings of being scared, disappointed, lonely and depressed, were all feelings I was trying to run away from anyway. That we all go through them, this senioritis, and this was my way of combatting them. I don’t feel alone anymore as everybody thinks of something to progress their life. This was just my way. Now I want to do this.
My next steps which I am doing currently are to be medically and legally cleared. It’s considered the make it or break it phase, as you have to do even more work after all that you’ve done so far. By this point, things get less blurry, and now there is something to fight for.
If I have been distant in the past 4 months, this might help explain why. I just started telling people my news and the responses have been encouraging. The initial feelings of fear and guilt have now been replaced by excitement and hope. Whether or not I do leave to serve, this process helps prioritize my life. For now, I hope whatever outcome I choose is for the best.
Related Posts Share this post:
I admire you.
Thank you, Katie. Much appreciated.
I wish you the best of luck. And as little as I see you nowadays, I’ll miss you and hope you’re safe.
Thank you Abi!