Killer Cars

Recently I have been experiencing a wave or a surge in creativity. You may or may not see it but I have written some good stuff in the past weeks and I’m certainly enjoying it while it lasts. Part of it comes from being seriously fed up with being bored in college, the lack of an election to follow, and something escaping my mind for the better. I also have been buckling down with end of the year schoolwork but we don’t really find that stuff that important.

Along with occasionally writing in this blog, going to class and work, I have been begun work on 2 new projects. I won’t give you alot of details as this stuff is top secret and those that already do know, are being advised now to shut up. For one of the projects, it is something I have been wanting to do for a while, but never quite had the right approach. For now, all I can say is that I hope it gets alot of attention.

The other project is a little more complicated. It’s not even really a project, but we’re going to call it one. First, some background.

Alot of college students watch Garden State and can relate to its feelings of ‘home’. In my perspective, I do agree that once you leave home you begin to lose attachments pretty soon and that the only thing that might be there is family and certain material things. The last feeling I have had of missing home was for something that didn’t even exist. And that makes me realize that missing ‘Cranston’ hasn’t popped up since freshman year and now that feeling of ‘coming home’ is no longer there. When I’m in Durham, I don’t miss home that much. When I am Cranston, I really don’t miss Durham that much either. All I really miss is just being with people. But people aren’t in houses. So what is really home then?

As far as family goes, I’ll just state that family is there, but they’ll always be there. I come from an extremely small family where the house is the family and I have not had an opportuniy to meet the rest. I’m not really on great relationships with them; there can be weeks where I won’t speak to any of them, and I’ll call and they would ask why I’m calling. It’s extremely hard to talk to my parents now since I have not been practicing Khmer much in college. I find my brother to be fun, but I was never a big part of his life and we both sometimes feel like we are the only child. As it stands, I’m not really attached to my family except for the fact that they do take care of me and will be there in spirit. My parents have gone this far to get me to college or at least a better life and my journey is almost done.

And I’m not attached to college. In fact, I’m almost sick of it. We have all this fun but we’ll still graduate with over $10,000 in debt and then be forced to work for the rest of our lives. On another stand, I am sick of the stuff I’m being taught, the stuff I’m not being taught, the pointless work, being broke all the time, and how being a senior just reminds me that college can be alot like high school. The people here haven’t impressed me too much, and it absolutely sucks when people you think were mature were actually not.

And I’m sick of money. Seriously, it’s the root of all evil. It has consumed me once, and I saw things pass and go. I’m more lenient with what I spend these days, because life isn’t money. I’m still broke, paying back debts from this year, probably will still be paying them when I go to spring break this year but I stopped caring. Money is just isn’t important and I don’t see the need to right now to make alot of it.

So I’m not really attached to anything. My friends are here, but they won’t be here for long. We’ll all go our seperate ways and the only place we’ll call home is if we get back together and party. But friends and people are probably the only thing I can and allow myself to be attached to. I don’t have an attachment to home, I’m not attaching myself to school because we are leaving and you guys and gals are all I feel I have sometimes.

But I can’t depend on that. College ends, and I’ll feel like I’m alone again. My attachments will be shattered like a glass and I’ll kick myself for falling this way. But it’s not anybody’s fault. It’s not my fault that I grew up like this, and I can only blame myself for how I choose my friends.

All I want is happiness and I learned that I can’t depend on anybody for it. You sit and get used to people that you mold yourself thinking that they would be there next year but they won’t. I get lonely alot just thinking about how empty things will be and that they just won’t be there.

So part of this project is that I plan to get away from everything and remove my attachments. I intend to move to a place far. So far away that I won’t consider going home, because what is home. So far away, that you’ll you even think twice about visiting me. Because I’ve had it. I’m sick of being attached to people I shouldn’t, I’m sick of doing things in some type of plan, I’m sick of not having a place called home and I’m sick of being scared about being lonely in the future.

Sometime after graduation the answer will be a little clearer. Don’t worry, I will still be able to graduate and you’ll forget about this tomorrow. Please don’t make a big deal.

This is something to do, really it is. College spoils people for the worse because it is a very satisfying experience. But. It. Ends. And I want to just go back to when all I had was nothing. I certainly will have nothing considering the $16,000 floating over my head.

I’m sorry if this sounds slightly negative, it’s not intended but it’s just how it is. I feel better knowing there’s this end of the bridge and instead of looking back, I’m jumping off….

And I’ll look back and there’s nobody there. Because everybody jumped off too… and they are in the water with you. There’s smiles on everybody’s faces. And I’m smiling back because I’m proud that everybody’s on their own path and doing it for themselves. Because that is why I’m heading into this. You headed into college to be independent, and now is the fucking time.

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