So Halloween got off to a good start. Our apartment was the cleanest it’s been in weeks, and even after we had our party, it was still cleaner than it normally is. Most of us had unique and crazy costumes (Duff man anyone) and I started the weekend right with plenty of beer. At around 8, I got changed into my costume, but kept on warm clothes with my costume underneath for fear of getting cold. It was too early and too sober to walk around with bare ass hanging out at that point. Before then, I had plenty of theories about how people would react to seeing an eyeful of ass. One of the main reasons I went ahead, with the agreement of others, to be ‘even worse’ than last year, was to see what people would exactly do.
My original theory was that people don’t mind seeing naked ass, and would actually laugh along because it is a joke. That because it is a joke, that later that night once everybody got a few drinks in them, an ass smacking would be necessary. This theory was accepted by many that claimed, “yeah I would smack your ass if I saw it”.
Turns out people get afraid and horrified. People tried their hardest to not acknowledge my presence, especially when I tried rubbing up against them. The embarrassment was too much for them, yet in my view, I was only making myself worse. In their eyes, it wasn’t a joke anymore, I was making them very uncomfortable.
As far as those who said they would gladly smack my bareass, they couldn’t bring themselves to do it. Better mean what you say, before it comes out of your mouth, you sissies. But for the ones that did, their hands hurt after, but I don’t remember feeling any pain. What can I say, I got buns of steel.
Even though it was just random and a good laugh for everybody, I couldn’t see myself having a whole lot of fun. Getting too drunk, always watching my back, and maybe feeling more uncomfortable than the ones who to stand behind me. But the previous night, I had an epiphany, that would benefit me and everybody else (well everybody’s eyes at least). There was no way I was going to spend the whole weekend with just a thong and leaf. So I’m sitting at work, and going through these music videos when I came across Usher’s “Yeah”. And it was obvious then, because I’m so skilled, that I could pull off Usher with just one 5 minute trip to Wal-Mart.
And it worked beautifully. The joke was short and simple, but my ‘Usher’ felt like my real costume. It was simple, I already had most of it down, and I was able to use it for two nights. It was fine to dance in, and it was very obvious who I was dressed up as.
Although the next night, I found it quite frustrating how only 3 people was able to pick out who I was. It led to me drinking myself to a stupor, and leaving an otherwise great trip downtown that could have led to more fun. Because of this lesson, if at anytime you look like a celebrity, go act like one and go find drunk people and wave, kiss babies, stand in for photographs, and maybe sign the occasional boob or two. I can only think of who I could have met in the streets of Durham. But that thought will just have to wait. Besides it’s not me they want, it’s who I am pretending to be.
Till next year…
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