The Ultimate College Kid
October 4th, 2004 by Sarin
As I was walking back from class today, I ran across an acquaintance. Him and I met last year, yet I can’t remember his name to save me from death. Not only did he say hi, but he REMEMBERED MY NAME. I was taken into to shock considering I am as much a person to forget as the next guy. Now, I see him occasionally considering he does frequent the same building I do (McConnell Hall), yet the idea that someone who I’ve only met once could remember my name is flattering (although I would have enjoyed better if it was a hot momma). Here he is, getting the best out of me, walking tall, while I am left thinking, wtf mate.
That’s when this stupid idea came to me. Something I imagined called “The Ultimate College Kid”, or The UCK for short. The UCK is the best at everything a college kid does. Everything a college kid experiences the UCK is already better at. For instance, this guy I just ran into remembers my name after months of not talking to each other. Considering the hundreds and hundreds of faces that college kids meet and forget each year, the attribute to remember people’s names is a skill not honed by every college kid, yet he just scored highly in that regard.
So what other things make up a UCK? Heres the rundown.
- The UCK remembers everyone’s name. That night when you almost got hit by a car in the middle of Main St. may not have been important to you, but the UCK remembers, and will never forget you. You might not think you are important, but when the UCK says your name as you guys are passing each other down A-Lot, you might feel a little important. But your not, he’s just the UCK.
- The UCK has no sleep schedule. In fact, he barely gets any sleep and manages to get by. He may be studying at night, shit he may even be still drinking at that time. But a 3am bed time and a 7:30 wake up call mean nothing to him as long as he gets to sleep past 10 on Saturday and Sunday.
- You will never see the UCK studying. The UCK prefers complete silence when studying, if he ever does, and does so in the confines of a private corner in the library. He manages a 3.0 GPA and has kept those scholarship dollars rolling.
- The UCK has a first name or last name that no one else has. Having a ton of Matts on campus is definitely a dry boner, but an individual name will increase The UCK’s chances of having others remember it.
- Aside from having a unique name, The UCK has plenty of nicknames. Preferably nicknames that have social and humoristic meaning. If The UCK is playing beirut, he will only be called by that name.
- Including having lots of nicknames, The UCK will accept the prefix of having “The” in front of one of their names to further increase their greatness. “The Wendall” and “The Va” are great examples of this. Also see “The Holy One”.
- The UCK eats carbs, yet hasn’t gained a pound since high school. Carbs are a college students uncalled for nightmare. The freshman 15 and sophomore 30 are just theories compared to this guy. He eats nothing but pizza, pasta in the room/apartment, and occasionally pigs out at China Buffet on the weekends. He drinks full beer, not light, and even enjoys margaritas full of sugar. Yet every morning he wakes up lighter than the day before. The UCK only goes to the gym when he’s bored and never has to wait for a bench.
- The UCK plays a damn mean game of beirut. Double sinks, rebuttals, dynasty championships and tournament titles are all under his name. But he wasn’t born that way. He’s done a naked lap at frat row his first month at college, and hasn’t lost a game since.
- The UCK doesn’t do laundry. When he has to, he sends a girl.
- The UCK has perfect memory. Doesn’t forget a date, never late for a meeting, and never slept through an exam. On top of that, he remembers all the words to every Led Zeppelin song, and the lines to “Office Space”, “Fight Club” and the Kevin Smith movies.
- The UCK has never been without a hook up. He may have been underage for the first half of his college career, but he was never without a phone call away from a booze run. Once he was of age, he was a hookup for booze to everybody including their mothers.
- The UCK doesn’t wake up with a hangover. If he puked out his guts the night before, he magically gained it back in his sleep.
- The UCK knows who is hooking up with and never wears beer goggles. He knows every STD on campus and knows which ones to avoid. One night stands don’t exist, and everybody is happy with his sex life.
- The UCK contributes peace to the community and to the college. Even if that includes smacking the fuck out of those freshmen for acting like asses.
In conclusion, I am finding that the guy I ran into was not more of a UCK than I was. I just had an easy name to remember. One that most people don’t forget anyway. So did I think he was the better man? No. I think I won because he knows and remembers my awesomeness. More to come…
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