Because I was drunk asleep to remember

Recent UNH Grad Phil opened his website, and blog, and shared a story. This story is quite funny, considering the first time I heard it I was way too tired to wake up and answer the door.

For his publicity and the fact that he's pretty close to winning the most comments this week (kinda like Ken Jennings on Jeopardy), here is his story reprinted. But don't forget to check out his main page.

Because you were too drunk to remember it.

TITLE: Phil's Naked Lap
TIME STORY TAKES PLACE: December of 2003. Last day of first semester finals. My senior year of college. The wee hours of the morning.
LOCATION: C Tower. The Gables. UNH.
CAST OF CHARACTERS: Me and Jonah (with guest appearances from: Zarbo, Mike, some other people in room 604, and two of the Durham Police Department's finest).
ALCOHOL CONSUMED: Half a 30 rack of Bud Light, 25% of a bottle of UV Rasberry flavored vodka, more anonymous beer, and a few other things which escape memory.
DRUNK-O-METER: Super blitzed
WHAT WENT DOWN: It was the last day of first semester finals and nearly everyone had left (or was in the process of leaving) for home for winter break. My dear friend Jonah and I were two of the only people from our group of misfits who were still on campus. Jonah being the party animal that he is suggested that we, "Start drinking at 5 (pm) and see where the night takes us."

After several hours of drinking Bud Lights and playing the, "Simpsons Hit and Run" video game (citizens of Springfield watch out for Jonah) we made our way upstairs to room 604. It was at 604 that we ran into the familiar faces of Zarbo and Mike (others were present but I don't have the damndest idea what their names were). Now normally dear reader I am a fairly above avergae beruit player at best (By no means am I cliose to "Wendell" status.) However, after having had an (at the time) innumerable amount of beers and other alcohol fueled beverages I was about as skillful as a drunken freshman female playing for the very first time.

It just so happened that one of the "house rules" for beruit was that if you did not sink at least one cup you had to do a naked lap. My fine fellow of the beer bottle Jonah was at the pinnacle of his game that night. With fewer and fewer cups on the table my chances of having to perform a naked lap were increasing at an alarming rate. However, with three left on the table I sank one! (Which Jonah soon hit thereafter winning us the game.) Naked lap averted! Or so I thought. For you see dear reader the seed had been planted in my drunken mind. I began to think of other great heroes in history who had bared it all in the name of glory.

With these thoughts running through my mind Jonah and I went back to his room (the dorm of infamy known as 404). At this point Mr. Jonah (being quite intoxicated himself) decided to try on the trench coat of his roommate affectionately named "Sketchy" Bryan. Now that Jonah looked like a pedophile/drug dealer/rapist I told him that it was my duty as a drunk college student to streak nude around the outer perimeter of C Tower.

After the initial shock wore off Jonah agreed to play witness to this monumental event and together we embarked down the elevator and outside where I promptly stripped down to nothing but my socks and sneakers and began running through the snow to the soundtrack of Jonah's drunken laughter.

Now dear reader I assure you that my plan would have gone off without a hitch. It was 3am. Nearly everyone had gone home for Winter Break (and those who hadn't were passed out and sleeping). It was going to be just been another one of those typical drunken romps that disappear into the pages of history and are never heard from again. However, it just so happened that the ordinary suddenly transformed into the extraordinary...

I was rounding the final corner of C Tower and congratulating myself on a streak well done when I noticed the blue flash that can not be mistaken for anything but the top of a Police vehicle. Instantaneously my instincts of self preservation kicked in and I vaulted over the nearby brick wall and ran ass flapping in the wind directly into the woods. Once securely hidden in the shrubbery of the woods embrace I had time to panick. How did they know? The police must have been in the parking lot watching me the entire time waiting for the moment when I began my streaking misadventures to attempt and apprehend me! However, it would later be revealed that indeed I had been the cause of my own downfall. For you see dear reader as Mr. Jonah and I were walking out the front doors of C Tower I stumbled in the dark and placed my hand against the call box to steady myself. Hearing a voice come through I very mistakenly thought I had dialed a poor fellow's dorm. Making slurred apologies I pressed the black talk button and terminated the call. Unfortunately as it turns out, I pressed the red emergency button (also known as the "rape" button) and had been talking to an emergency operator from the Police Department.

Meanwhile, I am sure you are all wondering what had become of my companion Mr. Jonah during my time spent hiding naked in the woods. It turns out that the moment I took off running nude around the building the Durham Police showed up. Being the stalwart and loyal companion that he is his first reaction of course was to run back inside the building. However, the police stopped him before he could make it inside and were very interested to know who had pushed the "rape" button and why there was a pile of clothes at his feet. Jonah, realizing that his appearance in the sketchy black trench coat made him seem like the type who would do bad things, decided that it would be best if he were to come clean with the constables and tell them about my drunken marathon. If memory serves me correctly it went something like this:

Male Officer: Who pushed the button?
Jonah: Uh, I don't know.
Male Officer: Whose clothes are these? (suspicious glare)
Jonah: Okay, I'm going to level with you. My friend is really drunk and he thought it would be a good idea to run around the building naked.
Both Officers: (silence)
Male Officer: Are you serious?
Female Officer: Do you think that your friend could have made it into one of these buildings?
Jonah: It's possible.
Female Officer: Could he have ran home?
Jonah: I doubt it. He lives on the other side of town.
Female Officer: At least we don't have to worry about going there to look for him. Let's go check those buildings.

During all of this I was at that very moment still very much in the woods and very much naked. I began to think of how I could: A. Make it to my apartment or B. Make it back into C Tower and up to Jonah's room. I immeadiatly decided that since my keys were in my now missing pants that Plan A was out of the question (Especially since the chances of running naked across town successfully seemed very slim indeed). Plan B however, seemed to have the possibility of a favorable outcome.

Back on Mr. Jonah's end he and the female officer came upon a room in one of the buildings where Jonah knocked on the door and inquired about my whereabouts.

Jonah: Ummm this is gonna sound really stupid so forget I asked you, but have you seen any naked people tonight?
Man in room: .....No. No, I haven't.
Female Officer: (having fits of laughter)
Jonah: Okay, thanks anyway.

At this point I had tried several unsuccessful methods of getting back into the building. My next option was to knock on the window of an occupied room near the front door and ask them kindly to let me in. This solution proved risky though as there was the chance that they might misunderstand my reasons for being out in front of their window at 3am naked and think me a sexual predator.

I decided against this idea and went back to my wooded sanctuary. Could I stay in the woods over night and wait for Jonah to get me later? I strongly leaned to this option until I realized that a drunken naked student in the woods during the Winter season could be cause for a search party, media coverage, and my nether regions on the front page of the TNH (The New Hampshire. The University of New Hampshire paper). I decided that it was best to turn myself in so long as I could get some pants in return for my surrender.

As I waited in the shadows of the wall to be discovered the male officer approached down the walk way to C Tower. In his squad car. With the big bright spotlight turned in my direction. Here now dear reader is the conversation that resulted.

Male Officer: Pretty cold tonight?
Me: What?
Male Officer: Where are your clothes?
Me: I don't know. How'd I get out here?
Jonah: (Approaching from other direction with my clothes) Here they are.
Male Officer: Get dressed. Ya know we've arrested people naked before.
Me: (Trying to put my pants on over my shoes and falling in the snow)Oh no. I just need some pants man. Where am I? How'd I get outside?
Male Officer: Did you have a lot to drink tonight?
Me: I was drinking earlier.
Female Officer: (enters from other direction) Is he dressed yet?
Male Officer: Yeah, he's dressed.
Female Officer: Thank God. Where was he hiding?
Male Officer: Right near this wall here.
Female Officer: But I checked here!
Me: I dunno. I'm inside and then I'm outside.
Both Officers: ......
Male Officer: Wait here while we run your I.D. (Both Officers exit)
Jonah: Phil, are you really that drunk? You don't remember coming out here?
Me: No, I'm just faking. Go with it.
Jonah: Okay. (Officers return)
Male Officer: We're releasing you to your friend's custody for the night. Don't do this again.
Me: Thanks officers. I just want to get warm is all. And I got my pants.
Female Officer: Wait!
Me: Yes?
Female Officer: Is that your underwear on the side walk?
Me: Oops.
Male Officer: Get out of here.

Soon after this dear reader Mr. Jonah was on the phone to as many people as he could contact at 4am and relating the entire incident to them with much laughter and glee. I on the other hand was drinking vast quantities of water and tending to my various cuts from running through the woods while thanking the powers that be that I did not pierce any part of my love organ. The next morning I made Jonah delete the only picture in existence of my naked glory running around the building.

Stay tuned.